第19章Runningfovernor
MarkT>
&hsagoIwasnominatedfreatstateofainstMr。JohnT。SmithandMr。BlankJ。BlankoiehowfeltthatIhadoageehatwas-goodcharacter。Itwaseasytoseebytheifevertheyhadknoastoodimehadgolainthatieryearstheyhadbeiliarwithallmannerofshamefulcrimes。ButattheverymomentthatIwasexaltingmyadvantageandjoyingiherewasamuddyuofdisfort&qu"thedeepsofmyhappihatwas-thehavingtohearmynamebainfamiliarwiththoseofsuchpeople。Igrewmoreaurbed。FinallyIwrotemygrait。Heranswercamequidsharp。Shesaid:Youhaveneverdohinginallyourlifetobeashamedof-theneers-lookatthemasortofcharactersMessrs。SmithandBlahenseeifytoloweryourselftotheirlevelaerapublivasswiththem。
Itwasmyverythought!Ididnotsleepasinight。But，afterall，Iotrecede。
Iwasfullyitted，andmustgoo。
AsIwaslookinglistlesslyoverthepapersatbreakfastIcameacrossthisparagraph，andImaytrulysayIneverwassodedbefore。
PERJURY。-Perhaps，nowthatMr。MarkTwaihepeopleasadidatefovernor，hewilldtoexplaiobevictedofperjurybythirty-fourwitnessesinWakawak，1863，theiofwhichperjurybeingtorobapoornativewidowandherhelplessfamilyofameagerplantain-patch，theironlystayandsupportiaion。
Mr。Twaiohimself，aswellastothegreatpeoplewhesheasks，toclearthismatterup。Willhedoit?
IthoughtIshouldburstwithamazement!Suchacruel，heartlesseverhadseeneverhadheardofWakawak!Ididn'tknoatakangaroo!Ididnotknowwhattodo。Iwasdhelpless。Iletthedayslipawaywithoutdoinganythingatall。Themthesamepaperhadhis-nothingmore:
SIGNIFIT。-Mr。Twain，itwillbeobserved，issuggestivelysilentabouttheaperjury。
[Mem。-Durihethispaperomeihanas"theiwain"。
&heGazette，withthis:
&OKNOW-Willthenewdidatefoofhisfellow-swhoaresufferingtovoteforhim!thelittleceofhis-matesinMontanalosingsmallvaluablesfromtimetotime，untilatlast，thesethingshavingbeeninvariablyfoundonMr。Tersonorinhis"trunk"（neerherolledhistrapsipelledtogivehimafriendlyadmonitionforhisowngood，andsotarredaheredhim，androdehimonarail;andtheoleaveapermavatheplaceheusuallyothecamp。Willhedothis?
ythingbemoredeliberatelymalithat?ForIneverwasinMontanaihis，thisjournalarilyspokeofmeas，"Twaia;]
Igottopiguppapersapprehensively-muewouldliftadesiredblawhichhehadsomeideamighthavearattles。
&hismetmyeye:
THELIEheswornaffidavitsofMip;apos;FlaheFivePoints，andMr。SyandMr。CattyMulliga，itisestablishedthatMr。MarkTos;svilestatementthatthelamentedgrandfatherofourandard-bearer，BlankJ。Blank，washangedfhwayrobbery，isabrutalandgratuitousLIE，withoutashadowoffoundationinfact。Itisdishearteningtovirtuousmentoseesuchshamefulmeaoachievepoliticalsuccessastheattagofthedeadintheirgraves，aheirhohslahinkoftheanguishthismiserablefalsehoodmustcausetheiivesahedeceased，wearealmostdriventoiragedandinsultedpubliaryandunlawfulvehetraduo!letusleavehimtotheagonyofalaceratedce（thoughifpassionshouldgetthebetterofthepubliitsblindfurytheyshoulddothetraducerbodilyinjury，itisbuttooobviousthatnojuryvioishtheperpetratorsofthedeed）。
Theingeniousgseheeffeeoutofbedwithdespatight，andoutatthebackdooralso，whilethe&quedandinsultedpublic&quediway，breakingfurnitureandwindowsieousindignationastheydtakingoffsuchpropertyastheycouldtheyweIlaymyhandupontheBookandsaythatIneverslanderedMr。Blank'sgrandfather。More:Ihadneverevenheardofhimormentionedhimuptothatdayanddate。
[Iassing，thatthejouredfromalwaysreferredtomeafterwardas"Twain，theBody-S;]
&iclethatattractedmyattentionwasthefollowing:
&DIDATE。-Mr。MarkTastomakesuchablightihemass-meetingoftheInight，didn'te!Atelegramfromhisphysistatedthathehadbeenknobyarunawayteam，andhislegbrokenintwoplaces-suffererlyiagony，andsoforth，andsoforth，andalotmoreboshofthesamesort。AndtheIriedhardtosretchedsubterfuge，aheydidnotknoastherealreasonoftheabseheabaurewhomtheydeandard-bearer。AmaoreelintoMr。Tos;shotellastnightilyintoxi。ItistheimperativedutyoftheIoprovethatthisbesottedbrutewasnotMarkTwainhimself。Wehavethematlast!Thisisacasethatadmits。Thevoiceofthepeopledemandsio;WHOWASTHATMAN?"
Itwasielyincredible，foramoment，thatitwasreallymyledwiththisdisgracefulsuspi。Threelongyearshadpassedovermyheadsiastedale，beer，wineorliquororanykind。
[ItshowswhateffectthetimeswerehavingohatIsawmyself，tlydubbed"Mr。DeliriumTremensTwain"iissueofthatjournalang-notwithstandiwithmonotohepaperwouldgoongmesototheveryend。]
Bythistimeanoersweregettingtobeanimportantpartofmymailmatter。Thisformwason:
Howaboutthatoldwomanyoukikedofyourpremiseswhichwasbeging?
POL。PRY。
Andthis:
&hingswhichyouHavedonewhibekoanybodybutme。Youbettertrotoutafewdots，toyourstruly，oryou&aphthepapersfromHANDYANDY。
Thisisabouttheidea。Itihereaderwassurfeited，ifdesirable。
ShortlytheprincipalRepublial"vieofwholesalebribery，andtheleadiicpaper";anaggravatedailingtome。
[InthiswayIacquiredtwoadditiowaihyist"and"TwaihsomeEmbracer"。]
Bythistimetherehadgrowntobesuchaclamorforan"aoallthedreadfulchargesthatwerelaidtomethattheeditorsandleadersofmypartysaiditwouldbepolitiformetoremaiaomaketheirappealthemoreimperative，thefolloearedihepaperstheveryday:
&HEMAN!-Theididatestillmaintainssilence。Becausehedarenotspeak。Everyaagainsthimhasbeenamplyproved，andtheyhavebeenindorsedandreindorsedbyhisowsilethisdayhestaed。Lookuponyourdidate，Is!LookupontheIheMoheBody-SemplateyourinateDeliriumTremens!YourFilthyist!YourLoathsazeuponhim-ponderhimwell-andthensayifyougiveyourhooacreaturewhohasearhisdismalarrayoftitlesbyhishideousddaresnotopenhismouthindenialofahem!
Thereossiblewayofgettingoutofit，andso，indeephumiliatiopreparingto"a;amassofbaselessdmeanandwickedfalsehoods。ButIneverfiask，fortheverymapapercameoutwithanewhnity，andseriedmewithburningalunaticasylumwithallitsiobstructedtheviewfrommyhouse。Thisthrewmeintoasortofpahechargeofpoisoningmyuhisproperty，erativedemandthatthegraveshouldbeopehisdrovemeteofdistratopofthisIwasaployingtoothlessaoldrelativestopreparethefoodforthefoundling'shospitalaswavering-wavering。Andatlast，asadueandfittingelesspersethatpartyranflie，oddling，ofallshadesreesedorushoformatapublig，andclaspmearoundthelegsandcallmePA!
Igaveitup。Ihauleddownmydsurrendered。IwasherequirementsofaGubernatorialieofNewYork，ainmywithdrawalfromthedidabitterness:
"Trulyyours，oman，butno。，M。T。，B。S。，D。T。，F。dL。E。"